I sobbed as we reached the final hours of 2024. I wasn't ready to leave the year in which Dan was alive.
I have these moments. Weeping and shaking with pain and longing. I always tried to imagine what it would feel like--to prepare myself, but you just don't know until you are in it. I gasp, "Babe!" calling out to him, to the silence.
I have things to write about and photos to share. Eight months of moment by moment living. I want to document my continued life and my grief. But it is too painful to focus my attention and type the words.
I will try. Here are some memories.
I am now Stormy's bestie.
Summer sitting in the back yard at Gillman, where he sat. Stormy at my side. Listening to and watching the sparrows, doves, and the occasional cardinal, reminding me of my mom.
To be read.
The book I was mysteriously gifted in the mail. I have yet to read it because I haven't been able to find the time to sit still and read. I did read Letters of Note: Grief almost immediately, and it helped me reflect on my pain and disbelief in order to write his eulogy.
I couldn't hang his stocking. It was too painful and felt awkward.
Not only the holidays and anniversaries--His absence was felt everywhere throughout the house all the time. There was no respite from that jarring reality. During the inital shock (a month or so?) it felt like he was on a trip and would be home any moment. It hurt immensely to realize over and over again this was not the case.
A sweet gift from Annalisa
Family and friends are a lifeline, though it is wispy and hard to see, it is strong like a spider thread. I have made so many phone calls and texts while crying, reaching out for them to fill the void in my heart, the emptiness in my stomach, the hollow challenge of being alone. They have each been present in some small way-- mail, gifts, and flowers, sharing their memories and moments of memorial, and coaxed me through the blizzard of my path. I long to be with them all the time, as if being in the same room with someone who also knew and loved Dan can bring me relief.
Kristi carries her coaster with her everywhere and sends me photos.
Tobin's LP featured a DAN FOREVER tribute.
Le Fleur delivers a bouquet from April and family on the 8th of every month. My mother also died on the 8th in December.
8th grade night -- "The late Dan Herzing and Leah Herzing," announced for Raine's parents.
I don't know if I will ever write about the moment I had to tell Raine that his father died. It is not only my story to share. I do want to write more about how incredible Raine is and how his grief is healthy and not destructive. I hope it will always be that way. I am his guide as a grieving wife and I do my best to show Raine myself as a kindred spirit of Dan's---Positive, funny, kind, strong but also vulnerable and comfortable with that.
Tax season 2025.
Everything is a reminder of Dan's death and in each moment, I challenge myself to move through it, letting it be what it is no matter how painful, and remain standing after. My sorrow connects me to humanity and I try to honor it as I would any other person's.
